I Already Know How This Will End.Posted: February 22, 2013
Do you ever get to a point in life where you stop and wonder, how did I get here? What happened to me? What did I do to myself? Why did I make such bad choices?
Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I want to smash it.
It’s been really hard to cry lately. Cry the way I used to. Letting it out. Some kind of relief. Anything.
Sometimes I need to listen to sad music to help me along. Because I feel like it’s bottled up, not gone, and it’s waiting to be released. Never fading.
And this sadness eats away at me.
The anger can be productive. Lately, I find myself writing furiously, channeling it into passion. But other times, it mutates into this ugly misshapen mass inside that overcomes me.
I’ve been having trouble. Troubled by trouble. Smoking excessively. Hard to breathe. Not exercising enough. Overeating. Not sleeping well.
I’ve been feeling very hormonal. I’ve been dealing with ovarian cysts these past few cycles, it’s “normal” the doctor says, but there’s a few more ovarian cysts than what’s typical. Acne cysts too. Pain inside and pain on my face. Makes it difficult to sleep sometimes. To do much of anything.
I’m not sure if I wrote in more detail about it, about why after being smoke-free for 15 months did I start up again…it’s been bothering me. I’ll think about how I want to write it and come back to it another time.
I deleted my personal Facebook page about a month ago. Mostly, my friends were from high school. A few from college. Anyone else besides family I don’t really remember who was left. I had to stop indulging because it was only showing me things I couldn’t have for myself. People with their perfect lives, real or imaginary, without any kind of care or want in the world.
It was an end of an era.
I had studious friends as a child, even in adolescence, too. I know some of my personal details of my life don’t convey these parts of me well, but I did well academically for the most part. I was only at alternative high schools for one and a half years. Living in suburbia afforded me the opportunity to attend an award-winning public high school.
A few of these diligent friends were often patronizing and condescending. Some high achieving classmates were bullies. Yes, nerds are bullies, too. These things always made me insecure and self-conscious about my abilities. My intelligence. So sometimes I was a loner. Other times I found myself with delinquents.
I completed my final year there at the public school with the regular “normal” kids. I graduated with overachievers. I finished in the top 15% of about 500 students. I was enrolled in honors classes. During my senior year I achieved all A’s and made it on Golden Honor Roll every quarter. I had the only perfect score in my Chemistry class. I even did well enough on my college entrance exam without much preparation.
I made it into a good state university. But I had a lot of difficulty adjusting to the commute and the huge lecture halls. I was still dealing with a lot of legal issues from getting struck by a car a few years before. My parents were having big financial difficulties after having to shut down their business. Things were always heated at home. Lots of fighting.
I felt like I was pushed into taking courses at the university that I didn’t want to take. Family members were overbearing. Suffocating.
Mostly depression and anxiety (and part lack of ambition and no direction) caused me to not attend classes so much. To not study. So I flunked out of college after my first year.
After years of going back to college, to different ones, changing majors constantly, I finally got my bachelor’s degree in Psychology. Years later I went back for a bachelor’s in a Registered Nursing accelerated program.
I had a psychotic episode before I even started. But I re-enrolled. Then I had to drop out of the program after making it through to the second quarter because I had another psychotic episode, and the medication made it difficult to remember anything I studied. This was after a year of taking all the prerequisite courses.
More money, time, and effort down the toilet.
I used to be pretty and slender too. I’ve had my moments of feeling beautiful over the years. But I don’t like what I see in the mirror now.
I feel so sad when I think about my marriage. To try to face it…my face drops, my heart sinks, and there’s this awful throbbing throughout my body.
The past haunts me. My husband doesn’t understand me. He’s impossible to talk with sometimes. He’s not terrible lately. Sometimes we have a good time. Great even.
But I often ask him what’s he thinking and he says he doesn’t know. There’s nothing on his mind.
He’s always had attention problems since he was a child. He often says he doesn’t know what he’s thinking ever since I’ve known him. Sometimes he just parrots what I say. And he forgets I’m the one who told him.
Before there was something missing. But now there’s something gone, too.
It’s just a loss I’m grieving.
I’ve been listening to this song lately to feel the comfort in someone else’s sadness. I want to immerse myself knowing that I share his pain. That somehow his resembles mine.
There’s a part of me that already knows how this will end.
But how do you walk away from someone you put your whole adult life into? How do you leave all your old dreams behind? How do you let go of someone you chose?
Once you’ve chosen someone it’s hard to ever be free of that choice. While you’re with him. And even when you’re not.
Video credit to ICanBeACrazyGirl