I Can't Stop Torturing Myself Over the Porn on My Husband's Computer

He’s finally deleted it all by now.  I’m pretty sure it’s all gone.  But before he did, I spent a lot of time looking over the images and videos trying to figure out what he found attractive in these women.  Clearly, some of it was what they were doing.  But for the most part, it was about their appearances.

I know that I shouldn’t do this to myself.  I know that I am just hurting myself.  But I can’t let this go.  Almost nine years of little to no sex and all this time he was choosing porn over me.  I feel betrayed.  It’s almost as bad as if he were cheating on me.  Close to it anyway.

Since my previous post I found another folder with more porn.  The first time it was over six hundred images and videos.  The second folder had over one thousand videos he downloaded.  These numbers are NOT an exaggeration.  These downloads were his “backup” in case the internet ever went out and he couldn’t watch porn online.

To follow up on this post, I was able to confirm my suspicions.  I asked him about why he had some images of women who were just as heavy as I was when I was 170 pounds.  He said that he just liked the picture.  I asked him what was it that was different between them and me?  Because the only difference I could see were the big breasts.  He didn’t answer me.  So then I asked him why he didn’t have images of women who were just as heavy with small breasts.  He then said that he wasn’t into fat chicks.  So he indirectly called me a fat chick.

Then he finally admitted that it was the breasts that he found so attractive.  That in those cases it didn’t matter if the woman was a bit heavier.  Now I’m pretty sure he’s not into BBW, but it’s okay if they’re a little chubby as long as they have big boobs to make up for it.

So while I’ve been obsessing over all this and fixated on the porn situation, I thought about this one model he saved on his computer.  She was probably one of the few that had smaller breasts.  I looked at more photos of her online.  I realized how incredibly beautiful she was.  She had all the qualities I could never have.  There’s a common quality amongst some of the women he finds irresistible.  These are always white women with perfect features–perfect pointy noses, sensual mouths, piercing eyes, and the right shape of face.

Growing up as an Asian-American, I always felt inferior physically because of women like these.  So all of these characteristics that made me feel terribly insecure and inadequate throughout my life are now exacerbated by my husband’s actions.

Whenever I talk about this he insists that I’m beautiful and perfect the way I am.  That it was because we didn’t get along very well.  But I remember so many moments where we did get along really well.  We were like best buddies.  There are moments where I can understand him not wanting me if I was sad or angry.

But I have trouble fixating on things that I am supposedly able to have control over.  These inner qualities are supposedly things that I can change.  Yet I never feel like I can.

The more I think about it, the more I feel like I’m not beautiful on the inside or the outside.

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